Ok. I’m going to get to the heart of the matter.
Life is weird. Life is hard. I don’t know why, but I’m going through a blue period.
It isn’t as though there’s any reason that I can discern for it. Life may be hard, but I am living my dreams. I am writing for the masses. I hope to make some money at it someday. My work is being read by more and more people. I am having fun losing myself in the universes that I create.
I also feel alone even when I am surrounded by others.
I somehow don’t know how to react to the taste of success. It could be seconds away from my fingertips, and I would have an attack of nerves. I’d get cold feet if I had to give a speech in public. Maybe I should just read it in someone else’s voice!
I’ve gotten colder. I’m not going to lie. My inner warrior took over. My mind has been on nothing but self defense and survival for so long now, that I can’t seem to shut it off and just breathe. I can’t put down the sword.
How often does one receive an anonymous gift of flowers?
And how did I forget to breathe when I got that gift? It doesn’t seem right to me.
Plainly, I’ve more work to do in learning to accept friendship, gratitude, love, admiration, and respect. I somehow got the impression that I didn’t deserve any of those things. I’m not going to delve into my past. I’ve already been there and done that. It’s time to move on.
I made a video tonight with new free editing software. In truth, I’m not at all sure how I did it. I didn’t add any effects. I didn’t speed anything up or slow anything down. It just sort of came together and turned out pretty well. My writing is the same way. I don’t know where the fuck the next sentence is going to come from, but I plunk down one and than another. Before I even realize what I’ve done, I’ve amassed more than a thousand words inside of an hour.
I feel like my life has been that way. I don’t have a plan. I just get up, suit up, show up and hope to goodness that something good comes from my efforts.
Life often fucks with me when I make too many plans. So I have to tread with some care, it seems.
I’m awfully tired lately. I have a short fuse. People who waste my time become nothing but irritants.
And I’m worrying everyone around me. Co workers shake their heads and wonder why I go silent. Friends ask me what the matter is. My parents cock their heads and furrow their brows.
I feel like telling them all to back off.
But I won’t. It isn’t anyone’s intention to get under my skin or to try to make me admit to things that I don’t want to talk about. But the only answer I have for such a question is “don’t give up on me.” I can’t speed this along. I’m obviously in it. I’ll figure my way out of it. I always do.
Though I wonder if I’ve spent my entire life living with such a pattern. Perhaps these mood swings are seasonal in nature. It might explain why I brood so much during the fall.
Then again, maybe I brood because I haven’t yet learned to recognize my own progress.
It’s a lesson we might all need to be reminded of. It pays to take stock, but to focus too narrowly on one single detail can be toxic.
I’ll hold onto my flowers. I’ll keep writing my stories. I’ll keep blogging, recording my voice and making my vids.
I’ll keep trucking. With some better rest along the way, even I might learn to see the bright side of life.
Until then, maybe it’s best if I just get through the obstacles in my way and move along until I give a damn again.
Anyways, enjoy the vid. I made this bad boy myself