Lonely Among a Crowd…

Loneliness can be a powerful thing.  I can get on my soapbox and proclaim that modern technology has made that worse for most people.  But that’s only a part of the issue as far as I am concerned.  It happens sometimes when one chooses to eschew the attentions of others.  I often self isolate when I’m upset,  thinking I’m doing something noble.  If my world doesn’t make me happy in the moment, I have the hardest time reaching out to others in order to share that part of me.  Often it’s because of the kind of environment in which I was raised.  You don’t play therapist to your angry, resentful parents when you’re just a boy without something fucked up happening to your sense of how others deal with their problems.  I have a very skewed view of how  most people chose to cope.  I often think that people whine and blame others for the problems they brought upon themselves.

 

And sometimes I find out that I’m right.  But that’s because I chose to forget the one lesson I learned in science class about theories and hypotheses.  You cannot go into an experiment looking for evidence with which to support your hypothesis.  The experiment speaks for itself, and you simply interpret the results with as much objectivity as you can muster.  I myself don’t always believe that I can be objective, but I strive to try my best, especially of late.

 

Then again, when it comes to my own heart and how vulnerable I feel when I let people in, I’m reminded of a line from the movie “The usual Suspects.”

 

“One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.”

 

It is a cold way to feel.  I don’t always know the benefit of having “people.”   But as I’ve said before,  a choice can always be made to break that silence, to break that pattern of self isolation.

 

And I am not always right about what’s good for me.

 

An Aikido instructor once told me it takes a great deal more strength for the lone warrior to ask for help than to dispatch one hundred opponents.

 

I cannot tell you that I understood what she was trying to tell me at the time, even as she sent me flying into the dojo mat, heels to ceiling.  But I walked for hours this morning in Central Park by myself after I had a mini meltdown.  I hadn’t slept, and suddenly, all the things that I had been dealing with and NOT really telling too many people about just kind of boiled over.  I needed people, but just not the ones that were around me at the time.  I forgot that sometimes one can feel lonely, even in an urban environment full of people.  All those people are lost in their own worlds, slaves to their own concerns.  It might even be the height of arrogance for me to think any of them has the time to give a damn about me.  Sometimes that works in my favor as I don’t always want  to worry about anyone else either.

 

But it didn’t work for me today.  I just felt…lonely.

 

 

I write for one reason, above all.  I enjoy writing very much, but writing affords me the opportunity to break that pattern of self-isolation, even when things are going badly in other areas of my life.  Sometimes my writing is simply a cathartic process.  Other times, I want to tell someone special how I feel, but I can’t get the words out without putting them to paper.  Writing is something that I can share with others without need for embarrassment or remorse.  I already know that I use my words to great effect when I express deep emotion.  But it does no good if I keep those emotions to myself all time.  And what good is it to make up a kick ass story if nobody ever gets to hear or read it?

 

What stories will I pass on to my own children, should I ever father any?

 

What stories do you all hope to pass on to your kids?  What heart-felt stories have you all shared with others?

 

I’ll likely get lost in my writing again in the next few days.  But for tonight, I think I’ll rest my tired brain.  Writing is something I often do while my muses talk to me, but they’re silent tonight.  Maybe I’ve inadvertently silenced them.  That’s just as well.  I shall call them back to me with a drumbeat before long. 😉

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