Finding Me ..

Here’s another blog post inspired by recent social networking. This one doesn’t have any swear words, and it’s also less than 5 minutes in length. Enjoy!

I wake up late. The summer sun is still high in the sky, but I know that won’t last.

The night seems to be my time. I’m comfortable with that.

It means I won’t get the laundry done, but does that matter? It means I won’t  go for my walk in the city, but to be honest, those walks have been hot and tiresome. There’s too many people out and about lately for the humidity not to feel even more oppressive.

It also means I’ll be doing some thinking and some writing.

One of my recent facebook friends asked me a question that made me stop and think.

“Who are you, really?”

I wasn’t sure what to make of the question. Was it paranoia that was causing them to ask it? Had I made a comment that screamed “stalker” or “serial killer?” I do writer horror, horrotica, and other such dark things. Perhaps it oozes through despite how nice I try to be. Considering my normal state of mind these days, I guess that wouldn’t surprise me.

There’s another facet to this, of course. Leave it to me to make a question so much more complex than it might have to be.  I’m a social networking junkie.  I’m sure many of you can relate. Even now as I type this, I’m technically in the middle of three separate conversations, two of which are on skype, one of which is a facebook  discussion. All told, I can probably handle five conversations at once. My fingers should be smoking.

And I just went back to facebook for a few seconds to “like” a picture of the latest suicide girl. Maybe I really do need to get out.

But let’s face it, folks. I’ve only got a part time job, and as lucky as I am to have that much these days, I have to save money. Going out to spend it frivolously is out of the question for the moment, and I don’t fancy a walk in the soup that is the weather today.

I answer my friend’s question. I think my answer more or less holds true. I’m just another man from New York City who’s trying to live a good life. As I move through the world, I find people. If they are good people, I try to hold onto them.

Life hasn’t been easy. For a long time, my trust in others has been tenuous at best. My recent forays into social networking may be a safer way, in some sense, to find people. The anonymity of a screen name is what drew me to America Online all those years ago.

But something else is definitely going on for me. The “world” part of the World Wide Web is becoming smaller and smaller. The internet is actually loosing it’s anonymity for yours truly.

I’ll be the first to tell you that this is because I’ve chosen to make myself a more public figure. This blog is a part of that endeavor. My writing is another part of it. I want people to know that I am a creative force. I desire to have others read (or listen) to my words and to have some reaction. I can only hope that someday, that reaction makes me a shit ton of money, but that’s a side benefit of my doing exactly what it is that I want to be doing. I’m using my words. I’m finding my voice.

And perhaps I’m finding an audience.

To be asked who you are is a kind of a loaded question. I’m still trying to sort that out for myself. I don’t blame the person who asked it. We all want to know the person that types the words to us on facebook, on twitter, on skype. Those of us who connect beyond that level may really be the lucky ones these days. It’s still possible.

I know I’ve been throwing my name out there quite a bit on facebook. It’s not just about Klout scores and having a high follow count on my blog. In truth, I do want to be surrounded by people who want to share creative and interesting thoughts and ideas with me. I don’t know if I should expect to move beyond internet communication with most of my facebook friends. But what I do know is that for those with whom that happens, we’ll probably hang on to each other for dear life.

For the first time in a long time, I don’t mind if people get to know the real me. If you follow this blog, you probably know that I don’t shy away from the truth about a great many things. But when it comes to me, it’s been a real struggle to remain authentic. Perhaps I’m starting to figure out what that means.

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2 Responses to “Finding Me ..”

  1. It’s wonderful to hear you speak your words. It’s especially helpful to me as I can’t always read them. Your voice is mesmerising as are the words you speak. A very thought provoking piece, a question we ask ourselves a lot, or at least I do, is “who am I , and what kind of person do I want to be?” You answered your friends question with honesty. You can’t do more than that. The song you chose at the end is beautiful. A lovely thought provoking blog. 🙂

    • I wondered if there would be members of my audience who would prefer to hear my voice for any reason. I started that as an experiment after some positive feedback from other projects. involving my voice.

      That being said, I’m glad that I got to write and record this piece. The question of “who I am” will probably linger for the rest of my life. I am an ever-changing person, and it’s just not in me to believe that we are supposed to be static creatures on this earth. We always grown and evolve (or I hope I do). Some of those changes surprise me, much like the direction that my writing takes. 😉

      Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. As always, your thoughts are appreciated. 😉

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